waiting, okayness, struggle

“Every day God invites us on the same kind of adventure. It’s not a trip where He sends us a rigid itinerary, He simply invites us. God asks what it is He’s made us to love, what it is that captures our attention, what feeds that deep indescribable need of our souls to experience the richness of the world He made. And then, leaning over us, He whispers, “Let’s go do that together.”
― Bob Goff


This blog was created about a month ago on a crazy whim. Since then I have written probably ten or so blogs that are just sitting and waiting in my drafts. For some reason I haven’t been able to muster up the courage to press publish, and it is so confusing because I get such a frenzy when I write. It seems as if I keep telling myself it is best to wait.

I t   i s   b e s t   t o   w a i t.

This is the current struggle I have been dealing with day in and day out. I have become so consistent in pushing back things I know I should be pursuing. In my heart I believe they are going to fill me up with so much joy and love, but I end up demeaning them to make them not that important. It’s as if I’m dwelling in the uncertainty that they might bring me. I know I dont want comfortable, yet i am comfortable. I want a constant life of epiphanies, and soul changing experiences and yet I am scared. That is not naturally who I am and somehow it is who I’ve become. The genuine me wants to be reminded every day how good this life is, and to know that I am not wasting my time by being scared or afraid. I want daily action from myself because I want to know what all this world has to offer.

Recently I was asked by an old friend from high school who I was without a bat or glove (hey brian if you’re reading this!) A simple question that I took with such an open heart because that question has been such an internal struggle for me as of late. Being a softball player has always been that concrete identity for me, and yet my identity outside of it is somewhat weak. I know I am a Christian, a daughter, a friend, a sister, found and yet still lost. I know I love people. I know my interests, and what I like to do. I know I am extremely emotional and take everything to heart. I know I have passions that I haven’t yet pursued. I know I am empowered. And i know I am at a point in my life where i just don’t fully know who I am. And somehow i can finally say that is okay.

A n d   t h a t   i s   o k a y.

I’ve come to learn that it is perfectly okay to not be okay. To not know who I am or what I want at this moment in my life isn’t terrible as some may make it out to be. An author I’ve recently discovered is Bob Goff and he states, “ …He’s made us to love, what it is that captures our attention, what feeds that deep indescribable need of our souls to experience the richness of the world.” I’ve read this line over and over and it continuosly comforts me in my time of confusion. This is truly why I believe I don’t know who I am and why there is a feeling of loss in me. I feel so much love for so many vastly different things, and I see so much richness in everything that surrounds me. The love I feel for everyone and everything is so intense and it can be incredibly overwhelming to even think about just choosing one thing for the rest of my life. However, the appreciation I feel towards not knowing right now continues to overcome me because if I knew who and what I was for sure now, then what would I have to look forward to in my future?  The growth I am prepared for is immeasurably exciting and that is why it is so great because there is beauty in my struggle.

B e a u t y   i n   m y   s t r u g g l e.

The beauty in all of this is that the more that I learn to say yes and work my way out of this waiting pattern the more I will discover who I am. The relation these three things have in common is so distinct. Yet for now I am okay with being me and solely me with no judgement or pressure from anyone else. I am okay with being lost but making sure I’m lost with a purpose. I am okay with trying things out and failing, and I am okay with growing. I am okay with my new season of life that I wasn’t expecting. I am okay with the challenges God has presented me with. I am perfectly and genuinely okay with who I am right now, and I am absolutely ecstatically okay with who I believe I will one day be. Life can come at you fast, but I’m ready to take it on.

So with nothing to lose and everything to gain I finally press publish.


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